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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

MONDAY morning...
 
Jody, to Shaun: "hey, listen to this voicemail."
Shaun: "o.k. Give me the phone."

Voicemail: "This is Lindsay Marshall calling from GA probation management. I'm calling to let you know that you have an appointment tomorrow, and this is the last appointment i have on my calendar."

When i left  GA to the beautiful and isolated Sioux Falls, SD, it was under the understanding that i would be paying my probation off from there, as previously agreed that i could do.

By paying it off from there, i mean "payment in full".

When i am finally able to contact my probation officer ( which by the way is an outside company, not a government arm.) as i have been unable to do since June 10th when i realized that i would be unable to pay, i full, by the date of June 29th, we had the most rational, intelligent conversation. I'll explain later why she never called me back until then. The reason is awesome.

It goes a little something like this:




Image Hosted by ImageShack.us "Lindsay Marshall."

"Hi Lindsay, this is Shaun Katz."

"What can i do for you?"

"I was returning your phone call. I need to talk to you about my appointment tomorrow."

"What about it?"

"Well..."

We parry back and forth, me explaining the situation, her being unreasonable.

FACT: Yes, i fucked up and wasn't able to pay on the appointed time.
FACT: From the day i realized this i have called five days a week, leaving clear and concise messages, along with contact information.
FACT: I was never called back until two days ago.
FACT: I am over 1,100 miles away. I am broke. It's not like i can walk there.

I explain that i can pay half now, the other half in two weeks. All i need is the proper information, and an assurance that upon payment, a receipt of some form will be available.

This does no good however. We ARE dealing with government employees.

She tells me she would rather see my smiling face than money.

This, of course, makes complete sense.

I go to Human Resources Dept., telling them that i have an emergency at home and have to leave for a couple of weeks. They ask specifics, i give them, they say it's cool, but call within the next few days to make sure i still have a job.

Awesome. This will make the second job i've lost over this bullshit.

So.

guess what happens next?

When i drove there, to SD, the trip took me just over 16 hours. By the time i am able to rent a car the time will be 10:00pm CST. The math states, including the fact that i lose an hour for the time change, i should be able to arrive in ATL around 3 in the afternoon. The office closes at 5.

That is cutting it way too close. Way to close. Way 2 close.

Option number 2: Fly.

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So, now i have three separate tasks i have to accomplish via delegation.

#1: Find, and purchase a plane ticket. The two closest airports are in Sioux Falls, SD, and Sioux City, IA (an hour away). The next closest is Minneapolis, MN ( a mere 4 1/2 hours away).
I check Expedia, Orbitz, and CheapTickets. For Sioux Falls AND Sioux City the prices are $550 and up, one way. For Minneapolis, $250.

I call Rob, by now an expert and veteran of bailing my ass out of trouble with his magic card of plastic.

Minneapolis it is.

#2: But in order to do that, i will need a ride. Jody and Emily both have to be at work at 8am. 4 1/2 hours there, another 4 1/2 back. They are clearly not viable options.

So, i call Marcus, a guy i've known a little over a month now through household (my job). He has a Jeep Wrangler, with no top or doors, and mind you, it's below 70 degrees outside. I was willing to supply jackets, gloves, and neat-o goggles and scarves if need be.

I offer to pay gas, feed him, get smokes, coffee, and good conversation.

Miraculously, he agrees. However, he says that in no way will he be taking the Jeep (which is good), but needs to ask his girlfriend if he can borrow her car(which is bad).  More on that later.

And finally, we come to #3: getting from Atlanta Airport to Canton in time for a meeting with the officer of logical thought.

This is handled by Colleen a.k.a. Pywakit who agrees to fetch me when my flight arrives.

Now i have all three things done. I'm packed and ready.

It's time to meet up with Marcus.

Since his girlfriend doesn't want to go he enlists the help of another girl in our class, Becky, who he's been sleeping with on the side, and has acne between her breasts.

I refuse to elborate upon that.

The three of us head out into the darkness, a highway ride through a land of nothing but fields and farms and it's already one in the morning, and i have to take a red-eye out of Minneapolis and these two hardly know me and they're cool as fuck for taking me and i'm still amazed, and i fed them sobe energy drinks and coffee, and ghetto-chinos, and Mt. dew's and pop tarts and cigarettes.


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us This isn't a photo i took, rather stole, but it kind of illustrates the drive.

It was a long, cold fucking drive. Conversation dried up rather quickly, and we listened to mixed CD's and Stephen Lynch singing songs about if Dad, after he goes into the bar, and if he plays his cards right, he will be bringing home your new mommy tonight.

The AIRPORT:

Finally, we made it. They were quick to dump my ass and return home. I don't blame them one fucking iota. If it were me, i probably would have declined the ride in the first place.

Well, maybe not.

I wait around for three hours until my flight. I don't know if any of you have ever bought a one-way ticket, hours before your scheduled flight, but if you do, security doesn't look kindly on that.

Oh yeah, i had my shoes off.

And my shirt.

And when they asked me to fold down the front of my pants so i could show them the other side of my fly, yeah, i showed them the D.

Aboard my flight i had a rater large housewife next to me. She seemed nervous. She started talking to me. The flight got delayed an hour.

Turns out she was part of a team of candle vendors heading to ATL Civic Center for a candle making/vendor convention.

And I, i was their guide.

"We want to party, where's a good place to go?"

"Atlanta will never be the same after we leave, will it girls?"

Ha ha ha. You girls crazy.

I advised  them that Buckhead was the place to be, a place i've had my car jumped on, black folk pounding on my windshield, yelling "Cracker, you dead bitch!"

Have fun ladies.

:END PART ONE:






ennio
7:36 PM
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Saturday, July 24, 2004

Here at phoenixandthephone824 we strive to provide quality, as well as quantity, in blog posting.

we apologize for missing the mark.

however, we now have a renewed zeal that should enable us to go above and beyond your expectations.

and, of course, as soon as this affirmation is diclosed, we hit a snag...

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT THROUGH LIFE, MR. INTERNET PROVIDING MAN, IF YOU TAKE AWAY MY SERVICE TILL FUCKING WEDNESDAY?

got my first sioux falls booty call last night. yummy. asian yummy.

she must have known that i was the hotsauce on the lobster.

right. it's that she didn't know me period.

and that folks, that is how you accomplish so many questionable things.

and then you get a blog and post all this shit and everything turns to shit, and it's shitshitshit.

but not this. nope. only four people, not including myself, know i even have this thing, and it's staying that way.

see you again on wednesday.

sdkatzinjammer@gmail.com

p.s. i still have three gmail invites left if anyone wants one.



ennio
7:40 PM
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Friday, July 23, 2004

so, yes, as  i mentioned on my last post i was to go out drinking 25oz LITs for 2.50.

they were disgusting. mostly sour and coke. and yes, i should've known this. I should've known the horror of heartburn that comes from drinking a gallon of lime sour.

but we soon left, because the sun was still burning bright in the sky, and other bars called. They didn't call me exactly, but the people i was with.

next was "the thirsty duck". drank PBR's and played darts. thats what you do here. play darts. but when a table of concrete pouring construction workers start heckling you because the color of your darts are pink, then you best stick out the pinky finger, swish the ass, and hit a bull's eye, just as i had somehow managed to do, as if it were written in the stars.

"Haa-a-yy..."  i throw/push dart.

bull's eye. 50pts flash onto the screen.

"man..."

"yeah, that fag can throw..."

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onto "Shenannigan's" where i proceeded to encounter every fucking frat kid on the planet. This bar is in THEE mall, and it's apparently the hot spot. i just do not get this town. Regardless, i drank and drank and drank and watched some guy tally up how many times he could "high-five
' passing females, growing more and more elated, as though each touch, each pass of flesh was a personal victory.

i guess for him it was. he is, after all, from a state where nobody in the world thinks is inhabited.

and yes, i yelled obscenities at the girls singing "total eclipse of the heart", "i will survive", and some piece of shit kenny chessny song.

then i started yelling at everyone indiscriminately.

And today i hardly have a voice.

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This is the 'smoke shack' at work.

Notice the line painted on the ground. If we have a lit cigarette in hand or mouth or anywhere on our person, we are not to cross that line.

Bad things will happen if we do so.

And yes, we are all adults here.

Jody and i move into our new place this weekend. rent for a 2bed 1bath = $530. This includes water, heat, and garbage.

And after this week i will be having my own space again, as well as internet, which means i will be back to more regular posting. just give it a couple of days.

greatest name i've called so far for money: Ragnar Marquest.

 




ennio
4:09 PM
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Thursday, July 22, 2004

i finally finished this bullshit two-day refresher (i know, a refresher already?) at work. it was on how to give better service to our customers, meaning, the lessons they taught were painfully obvious, condescending, and ultimately of a nature that you would scoff, laugh, and blow off.

this some how improves the work place as well as the quality of collecting that goes on there.

this is precisely why i never wanted a fucking office job.

i actually have some shit to write about today. my weekend , however, has just started, and i'm going out with fellow employees to get 25oz LITs for 2.50 at some Sodakian bar.
so when i get back, you'll get thwe drunken, bare all post.

or maybe the hung-over one the following day, meaning friday.

i hate people.



ennio
6:52 PM
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Saturday, July 17, 2004

i've been here over a month now. I find i ask myself from time to time "was this the best thing for me to do?"
 
was coming to South Dakota, effectively the middle of nowhere, with no clear route of escape, the right thing for me to do?
 
Does it really fucking matter?
 
No, not really.
 
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i always have found myself where i clearly do not belong. I was always continue to do so. And in a way, that is how i fit right in, a nice little blemish on the lives around me. And some miss that blemish, that cancer.
 
They miss having someone so difficult to love.
 
And i miss them for it.
 
I haven't benn getting the calls from my friends like i would have, but in a way i can see the relief they must feel at the break from me. i made things difficult.
 
It's because i am difficult. And irratable. And irritating.
 
And a little to much to handle.
 
But i kick so much ass. What it really comes down to is that i need the right ass to kick.
 
I've been kicking my own for forever now.
 

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usthings are good for me, i think. whenever i feel the calm i wait for the storm. maybe just from habit, but always knowing that life is all this 'up and down' bullshit.
 
i guess you could say that now i am part of the storm that waits for those who defy contracts with the bank. for those of you curious, this is what those demons look like, and where they call you from, assaulting your serenity.
 
and man, the more you fight, the more you squirm and wrestle, yell and curse, the more it pleases them.
 
like a boa constrictor.
 
and why the fuck did Hollywood think they really needed a sequel to fucking 'Anaconda'?
 
God, instead of promising continuity, should have promised consistancy.
 
and an explanation.
 
and maybe a couple of clear answers.








ennio
6:48 PM
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

i figured out a way to make going into work at 8 in the morning managable.

wake up at three in the morning, like i do, tank on coffee, and when you get off work, go to slepp cause when you live here, the evenings have little to offer.

money finally came on saturday.

need more... need more... need more...

i'm not sure if i actually do need it, or am now being conditioned by my job to think so.

had my first, "you're a slimy son of a bitch" call yesterday. The fucker just whispered it, nay, hissed it into the phone. Doing it like that had much more of an effect than yelling it over the phone. it was as though he was right there in my cubicle with me.

HA HA.
i have a cubicle.

and an ID badge.


ennio
8:37 AM
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Friday, July 09, 2004

money is coming...

money is coming...

money is coming...

no more McChicken's and Wendy's dollar menu.

Well, fuck that. It's still cheap.

And the sad part is Walmart is the place to get groceries around here. The cheapest anyways. I had heard that three businesses in Mexico have teamed up to have a united front against the invasion of Wal-Mart in Mexico. The gov't there approves and supports.

They even supply cheerleaders.

where is my cheerleader Bush? And Kerry, if elected, would you make sure i have a cheerleader squadron to root me on?

Nope. That's silly.

What a silly asshole i am for saying any of that.

paco and i are to get the new Apartment by the end of next month.

That means we will be equally disgusting, but only in separate rooms.

And, as a parting question, is Pelupta a real name?





ennio
9:35 PM
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I'm such an imposter. I have absolutely no business taking others peoples money, rather, i have no business working for a bank that takes YOUR money. Everyday my brain naturally schemes at ways to wrench the system. I'll be Robin Hood, and serve maximum penalties.

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The fourth. 4th of July. A day we let the Mexicans go free, killed some Injuns, and smacked a brit or two. I know they're just waiting to reclaim us again. I'm not sure as to why they would want us. Maybe they want are extensive chain of delicious Taco Bell franchises...

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Spiderman2 was a surprise. i liked it. I didn't cry, though i am told i was supposed to.

I wish i had the choice to be a web slinging freak. My choices are work or jail.

Jail proved i can shoot dice for monopoly money like a motherfucker.

That bitch still owes me $3,200 dollars cold hard yellow cash...

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That is me mocking Dave. we were playing 'bacci' (sp?) ball. My team was losing. He was on my team. He was actually the only member of my team, and i mocked him repeatedly.

Moral support runs high with my crew.

Imagine if i were a WWII general...

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those other guys kicked our ass.

i later spit into their sangria.

sssh.

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i made fatty here get on the roof for losing.

oh man, you should see how he fucked up his leg from getting back down.

Later, Erm and Jess tore into him over the small fact that he was so fucking annoying.

SEE... i made about three gallons of my homemade sangria.

I then made the mistake of telling him that the shit will sneak up on you.

He then called my blend 'ninja juice' the rest of the night.

We made him pout.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

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Last year around this time, on the fourth actually, i was walking up the street with my friends, my girl, and my boss. Two weeks later i lost the girl, but gained the boss. Two weeks after that i lost the boss, and the job that came with it.

Then i lost my mind.

But fuck all if i didn't find it again. I blew off the dust and started a blog.

Am i better off?

Like i said, i am an imposter. I could be lying to you.

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ennio
11:54 PM
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